peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
