There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
foreskin is a definite game changer
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
