man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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