he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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