Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
We're too hungover to prance.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
