every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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