brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
