The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
