Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
