If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
