Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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