I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
