I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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