i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Randomize
