we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
