now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
