he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
