My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
