So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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