God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
