You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
