The maid of honor just puked.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
