So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
