If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
