Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
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