They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize