Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
