Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
