You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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