"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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