I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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