It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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