I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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