oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
