I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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