I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Semen is not good for contacts.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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