We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my shit smells like andre
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
My dick has a subreddit
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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