Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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