I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
