I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
