I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
