Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
