GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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