dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
