It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
