Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
