I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
