Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
