My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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