Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
