My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
