3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
