he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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