You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Randomize
