You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
The ass gains better be worth it
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
