my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize