I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
