I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
