At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize